Inconsiderate Boyfriend Throws Girlfriend a Surprise Wedding, Doesn't Understand Why She'd Be Upset

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Jun 23, 2023 12:00 PM EDT

Surprise parties can be incredibly hit or miss. When my mom turned 12, her friends and family threw her a surprise birthday party. She got so startled by the surprise element of the party that she cried for 30 minutes. Luckily, not all surprise birthdays are such a bust. When I turned 16, I had a fantastic surprise birthday party that ended with my friends comedically roasting me. Whether they go wonderfully or terribly, surprise birthday parties work because birthdays aren't that novel. If you have a terrible surprise party one year, it's not like your birthday is a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon. You can have a 13th birthday party the following year with no surprises involved. 

Certain parties must not be surprising, and weddings are one of them. A woman recently went viral for sharing her story of her boyfriend (not fiancée) throwing her a surprise wedding, and the internet is lit up about it.

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  • 01
    Font - r/AmltheAsshole u/Unexpectedlymarried • 3d AITA for leaving my surprise wedding because I felt blindsided? Not the A-hole Last week, I (30F) was invited to a supposedly fancy party by my longtime boyfriend, Mark (32M). We had been dating for five years, and while we had discussed marriage before, there were no immediate plans for a wedding.
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 02
    Font - Excited about the event, I dressed up in my best attire and arrived at the designated venue. As I entered the grand hall, I was completely taken aback to see all of our family, friends, and acquaintances gathered, eagerly waiting. It turns out, Mark had orchestrated an elaborate surprise wedding for us without my knowledge.
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 03
    Font - Everyone erupted into applause as I stood there, shocked and overwhelmed. I just felt a mix of emotions. While I love Mark and had dreamed of our future together, the idea of getting married without any prior discussion or consent felt like a breach of trust.
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 04
    Font - So, I pulled Mark aside and tried to express my concerns and reservations about the surprise wedding. I explained that I wanted a say in the planning process, to be part of the decision- making, and to have the chance to prepare mentally and emotionally for such a significant milestone in our lives.
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 05
    Font - However, Mark dismissed my concerns, saying that he thought it would be a romantic gesture and that I would be thrilled. In that moment, I faced a difficult choice go along with the surprise wedding, putting on a smile despite feeling unsettled, or stand up for my autonomy and voice my true feelings. I ultimately made the decision not to proceed with the surprise wedding, much to the disappointment and confusion of our guests.
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 06
    Font - Now, I find myself at odds with Mark, our families, and even some of our friends who believe I overreacted and spoiled a beautiful moment. However, I firmly believe that a marriage should be a joint decision, with open communication and shared expectations.
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 07
    Font - Everyone's excuse for this is I have always talked about marrying Mark. And again the problem isn't marrying him, the problem is not having any say in my wedding. Mark thought I'd appreciate it, because I always spoke about how stressful planning a wedding must be. Yes, I think its stressful, it is but I'd still like planning one!
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 08
    Font - After this whole ordeal everyone asked if Mark and I were ending things, in which I replied no. I emphasized towards them and Mark I still wanted to marry him, and most feel like this is making me more of an asshole since I just wasted a perfectly fine wedding. So AITA for refusing to attend my own surprise wedding, even though it was intended as a romantic gesture?
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 09
    Font - Edit: I previously omitted this from my post because of the subreddit's word count guidelines. I love surprises it's a thing everyone has known me to love. Mark knowing that, the fact I wanted to marry him, and said wedding planning was stressful thought a surprise wedding would be perfect. A surprise engagement is bland, because it will always be a surprise but not a wedding lol. He threw this "wedding" for the surprise, but explained how in a couple days we could do a courthouse wedding
    via u/Unexpectedlymarried
  • 10
    Rectangle - GhalanSmokescale • 3d Partassipant [4] 3 Awards Get the hell out of that relationship. NTA 100%. Reply 23.7k
    via u/GhalanSmokescale
  • 11
    Font - Epic Dino Fight. 3d 3 Awards You know marks an asshole when he takes his moves right out of Gaston's playbook 10.5k
    via u/EpicDinoFight
  • 12
    Font - BirdDramon • 3d For me it wasn't just Mark being an AH. He could have genuinely good intentions just a bad way of putting them in action. But NOT ONE of the friends and family actually put themselves in OP's shoes and didn't thought that OP might wanted to have a word on the day which is supposed to be one of the best and most important of her life... I honestly don't understand the logic of some human beings.. 1.5k
    via u/BirdDramon
  • 13
    Font - EatThis Shit. 3d Partassipant [3] He hadn't even proposed yet. Imagine not being able to do something as simple as designing your invitations or going dress shopping - which is entirely different from the usual shopping if you have your own wedding in mind, even of you don't go for a white dress. OP is robbed of months of planning and excitement in advance (I'm sorry, but the English language lacks here - "voorpret" is the only right word in this situation, lol).
    via u/EatThisSh*t
  • 14
    Font - It sounds like Mark just wanted an easy out, even with OP's edit. No fuss about venue, flowers, music, menu and anything else, no bachelors, bridal showers and whatever else Americans think are necessary in the time leading up to a wedding. In the Netherlands a surprise wedding wouldn't even be legal, you have to officially announce the intent to marry to your local government at least two weeks before the wedding. It's funny how different it is in other countries. 4788
    via u/EatThisSh*t
  • 15
    Font - ● Happy Summer Breeze • 3d Partassipant [1] she loves surprises she said she wants to marry him she has expressed that she doesn't want the hassle of organizing a wedding He's not wild of them mark to think she would like it ... 858
    via u/HappySummerBreeze
  • 16
    Font - SellQuick 3d Partassipant [2] 1 Award Clearly he added 2 + 2 and got 5, missing the very important variable of personal autonomy. Sounds like they needed a few more conversations before he threw a whole wedding that everyone knew about except the bride. That just sounds humiliating, like you don't get a say in your own life or the opportunity to mentally prepare for a life changing moment but with an added pressure of everyone you know watching. 2.2k
    via u/SellQuick
  • 17
    Font - bob3725 3d Asshole Aficionado [11] 1 Award NTA, If he marries you without having to ask you, what else would he do with the same excuse. SURPRISE: I got the new car we talked about! Oh, you wanted to choose the model / have the full experience? SURPRISE: I got us a house! We talked so much about a new house for us and the kids! We are still having kids, right? I exaggerate, but you get where I'm going. Make sure you keep control over your own life! Reply 6.3k
    via u/bob3725
  • 18
    Rectangle - lumpiahhhh 3d 1 Award NTA. . I'd also be asking all my family and friends if they knew about this. Who told this man this was a good idea?!? ... Reply 4.7k
    via u/lumpiahhhh
  • 19
    Font - believehype1616 • 3d Seriously?! Like who out of your family and friends is crazy like him? No one thought to suggest to him this is maybe a bad idea? That it might be one event that should never be a surprise? No one thought to even poke a small conversation with you about, "Hey, how serious are you about wanting to marry Mark? Would you marry him tomorrow? Would you ever elope?" Just, get some of your feelings on the subject. Anything? NTA OP, and don't forget that him making a decision
    via u/believehype1616
  • 20
    Font - And his reaction to you about your reaction, that means something too. If he really did have only the best of intentions, and you said you were uncomfortable, he should be falling over himself apologizing. Doesn't sound like he is. Sounds like he's invalidating your emotions and doubling down on being right. That's the future with this guy. "Oh, you don't want to move to x new city for my new job I took without consulting you? Well your feeling on it doesn't matter. You've always said I s
    via u/believehype1616
  • 21
    Font - pubcrawlerdtes • 3d I feel like I could potentially believe that he wanted to do something nice and romantic for the OP. But I'm less sympathetic towards his reaction afterwards. Instead of accepting the OP's wishes, he chose to make it about himself and get offended because she didn't appreciate his grand gesture. I don't think this means that the relationship is hopeless but the OP's partner needs to own up to their mistake and have a good think about who he is really doing this gesture
    via u/pubcrawlerdtes
  • 22
    Rectangle - • 3d Certified Proctologist [20] alien_overlord_1001 1 Award NTA. I admire you OP - for saying no and not just going along with it. You did the right thing. Putting someone in a position that makes them feel guilty or embarrassed to say no is not a romantic thing to do at all. It's emotionally manipulative. If he is apologetic and wants to plan a wedding together, then you have yourself a great guy. If he gets all weird and/or angry about it, you dodged a bullet. One way or the other
    via u/alien_overlord_1001
  • 23
    Font - aghostguest. 3d NTA maybe I'm wrong but this doesn't feel like a first time offense, you should sit and think for a good while if there's other occasions where mark would just spring things into you publicly or presented manipulation in a package so pretty it would make you the bad guy to reject it Reply 49
    via u/aghostguest
  • 24
    Font - AnarchyAcid • 3d Certified Proctologist [21] NTA. I have a good friend who's husband did a surprise wedding. His family was from Vegas, and hers only 4 hours drive, so she thought nothing of a weekend in Vegas. Showed up to both families, a wedding dress, and so they got married that day. She regrets it. She hates the pictures, she was so surprised she said she didn't enjoy any of it, it was just there and over. 0/10, do not recommend. Reply 34
    via u/AnarchyAcid

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boyfriend relationship advice aita relationship marriage suprises relationship-drama boyfriends girlfriends marriage-drama relationships girlfriend wedding weddings
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